why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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