My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
