My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
