i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
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Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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