While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
