I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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