I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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