BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
