I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
