R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
