Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
