I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Send help, water and tortillas.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
