i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
