i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
