just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
