We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
