Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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