Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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