Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
