my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
