My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
