I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
