Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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