I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Found the puke drawer
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
