I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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