i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
