My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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