I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
