sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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