We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
