he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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