I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
