Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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