forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
