I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
