Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
