Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
