one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
