I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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