I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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