sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
