Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
