My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
