i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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