I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
