I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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