Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
