He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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