I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
