No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize