i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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