Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
