he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
