so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
