highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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