I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
